Ok here we go tell me what you think Nothing will hurt my feelings, tell the truth but remember there are 7 chapters in all so far!!
"Oh my goodness, can you believe how big this plane is?" I told my best friend Kristen.
" Yeah I know, what I can’t get over is that were going to Paris, Paris Massie, PARIS!!!" " Oh wow look at how comfortable the seats look, and free peanuts." " The life I tell you the life!" Kristen told me sort of loudly.
" Yeah What are we going to do in Paris First, Shop, Eat, Get settled?" I asked
" Well, I think we need to put on Make-up before we go shopping, cause well Paris is like the capitol of beauty, but we need to eat before we put on the make-up or it’ll smudge , but we have to unpack before we can get out the make-up out. So I would say get settled, then eat, the apply make-up then, Go shopping!" Kristen Said
" Wow" I said as I realized that my mouth was wide open, " Geeze I would of never thought of that, ooo were taking off, Wow I’m sort of nervous, what will it be like? Will We have enough money?" I asked out loud
"Well" Kristen added " I think it will be amazingly fun, and of coarse we have enough money our dads gave us both credit cards!"
" Oh yeah I guess were set." I said laughing " Hey Kristen"
" Yeah Mass"
" Does it feel hot in here to you our is it just cause I’m nervous??" I asked
" Umm yeah actually it does and I’m always cold, um excuse me?" Kristen asked the flight attendant " Can you by chance turn down the heat it’s a little toasty in here?"
"hm That’s funny it should be at its normal heat, I’ll check." She replied
" Thanks" Me and Kristen said at the same time.
" I wonder if everything is OK." I said with a slight concern in my voice
" Excuse me passengers, I need you to please stay calm, but there is a slight problem with the engine, we are going to have to take an emergency landing in the field to your right, thank you for your cooperation." BEEP BEEP BEEP " Passengers we just lost one of our engines, please put on your emergency oxygen masks and stay calm, I repeat please stay calm,
" Massie, I’m scared , if anything happens to me, tell my family that I love them very much!" Kristen said teary eyed
" KRISTEN! Don’t talk like that were going to be fine! God will take care of us!! Don’t you trust God?" I reassured Kristen Although I was still trying to reassure myself!
"Of coarse I do it’s just Massie were falling!!" Kristen said scared out of here skin!!
" You were always my best friend Kristen I love you so much!!" I said now crying
" Me too Mass me too!!" CRASH
MWM Ebook Introducció a la història econòmica mundial (3a ed.) (Educació.
Sèrie Materials) (Catalan Edition)
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Introducció a la història econòmica mundial (3a ed.) (Educació. Sèrie
Materials) (Catalan Edition)
[image: Introducció a la història econòmica mundial (...
6 years ago
6 comments:
awsome!!!! put the next one up right away!!!!!
*Kalie*
i love it!!!!!! keep writing!!!!!!
-faith
i love it!!!!
faith
Ok, you've got the start of some intense action, but you might want to make a few changes.
Since this is chapter one, you need to start off with tension. If someone picks up your book and starts reading, they'll put it down after about five lines of shop, eat, and make-up, guys especially (I would know; I am one).
The first sentence is the most important one in your entire manuscript. Even if you've got a book with more emotion than the Shack (which I despise), people won't care. Why? Because you didn't hook them with the first sentence.
Try this: cut out the opening dialogue and replace it with something like (I'm assuming the POV character is Massie), "The plane shuddered. Massie looked out the window as the ground fell away. Turning to Kristen, she frowned, her heart beating faster than usual.
'Is the plane supposed to do that?'"
That will not only hook your reader, but also foreshadow the trouble the plane is having. See? Then you can keep having the plane doing odd things, maybe twice or thrice, until the engine finally goes.
As for your dialogue, it is very realistic, though a bit too realistic. The dialogue in novels is idealized; things like filler words such as um, like, and uh are generally cut out. They slow things down. Also, dialogue in novels is nothing like a real conversation. Its only purpose is to keep the action going or to describe a scene. Here is what you don't want to do:
"Hi Bob."
"Hi Ted."
"Nice day, isn't it?"
"Oh yes, it is."
"Well, pleasant talking to you. Bye."
"Ta-ta."
Not only is that boring, it doesn't serve a purpose. Try this: instead of just saying that Kristen is Massie's best friend, let it come out in their speech (but don't start the book with it!). I don't know where this would go, but this is just an example.
"Oh come on, Kristen, we've been best friends since sixth grade!"
That one sentence does two things. 1) It shows that Kristen and Massie are best friends.
2) It gives part of the backstory without you just saying it.
I hope this helps, keep it up! I'll say more, but it's getting late where I am and I need to go.
~Araken~
It sounds like a great story. I think, however, that it would be even better with proper punctuation. :) It generally helps a story flow better, and helps to add some effects that could make your story really awesome.
Advice from the new guy. :D
:)Ian(:
Kalie- Thanks I will do that!! Athough There is many changes I have to do in just this first chapter!!
Faith-Thanks for reading it!! and commenting!!
Araken- Ok thanks I will try to make it a little better w/ what you said, and I thank you for looking at my story for me!!
Ian- I know I absaloutly stink at english, literature and whatever else that involves work ( ok not really but punctuation is not one of my best things to do!!) But I love writing!! Which I'm not sure that makes much sense since I hate english...ok I'm talking to myself again!! And I also seem to go crazy w/ exclamation points, but thanks!!
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